Some of us have been there, when everything is going fine and suddenly everything you thought you knew is no longer. This is my story. I like to play some video games, if I am being honest just one video game; #Fortnite. I play fortnite with my friends and my friends' friends & family, one day my friend invited his cousin to play with us, i did not think anything of it because i did not know the guy. I will refer to him as "The Guy".
The game started, we introduced each other ( he had the sexist voice I had ever heard), we got a long like peanut butter and jelly and had lots of fun playing. Everyday we would get online to play, eventually we exchanged numbers and #SocialMedia's accounts.
The Guy and I started messaging each other just about everyday, eventually we both confessed that we liked each other and that we wanted to go out on a date. Coincidentally my friend's birthday was coming up, we were both invited to the get together. As the days went by, The Guy realized that I was all he had been looking for in a woman; he decided to ask me to be his girlfriend. I did not answer his question because i knew it was somewhat premature given the fact that we had not met in person yet. The day arrived (my friend's birthday), we met, we were both nervous but I was way more nervous than he was. I wanted to get over my nervous anxiety and I just kissed him. Afterwards i pulled him to the side and asked him to ask me "The Question". The Guy asked me to be his girlfriend, I said YES! We proceeded to enjoy the birthday party the rest of the evening. Once it was over everyone went their separate ways except him and I. He walked me to my car, where we sat at for the next four hours just listening to music and just being into each other. I was so happy that night.
Over the next couple of weeks we were acting like your regular brand new couple in the honeymoon stage, we were learning about each other and finding names to call the other out of love. The third Sunday of being in a relationship, he said"it", yes he said the "Three Letter Word"- The Guy said he loved me. I was shocked and did not know what to say. At this point i was mesmerized with the guy but I did not feel that way just yet. I cared for him a lot, so I told him so.
Life was starting to look different, I had found someone who was the male version of me. We Understood each other. I started to fall for The Guy. One night I finally said it because i felt it. I told him I loved him.. We would go out on dates and complain that time would go so fast, we just wanted more time with one other. We would tell one another how much we missed each other and that we couldn't wait to hang out again.
Suddenly our conversations got deeper, but our communication got weaker. He worked a lot (so I did I) so we barely had time to see each other, I did not care, he made me happy.
I started to noticed a change in behavior but decided to ignore it. Slowly he was being more silent; he said he was meditating. One Saturday night after hanging out, we sat down and had a deep conversation ( in which i did not say much), he explained how he was feeling in regards to the relationship. The Guy brought up that I was giving too much of myself into the relationship and that he could not do the same. I was taken back because I thought that we were giving in equal parts but apparently not. The Guy told me that everything was fine and that we just had to take things slow, which I agreed to. My heart sunk; I left his house crying because i knew something was happening but i did not know what it was. Sunday we barely talked. Monday morning he asked for time to see if he missed me. The Guy said " if I do not miss you in this lapse of time then it will mean that I am not ready for a relationship". My heart sunk again, but this time to its lowest point.
Thursday Morning, I figured three days without talking to the person you "Loved" was enough to miss them, or maybe not. I texted him that morning and told him that we needed to talk in person. He replied me with a #YouTube link to "SNUFF" by Slipknot. -video is below-
I watched the video and cried the whole time because I knew this was it. He then proceed to tell me that he just was not ready. I tried to talk to him and get him to meet with me in person because I wanted to fix things. He ignored my effort to meeting up. The Guy said, "It's not you, it's me" - Yes, a classic move. He told me that he still loved me but that he wanted to be alone. I gave up trying to change his mind and just basically sent him a good bye text, which he did not reply to. I spent hours crying that day, I could not bear the fact that I opened up to someone and fell in love, and suddenly the rug was taken from under my feet. I was in denial. I did the one thing that most girls do after a break up. I started posting stuff about how heart broken I was on social media. I was just having a pitty party on #Facebook and #Instagram for weeks, wondering what had i done wrong. I kept asking myself if I could have prevented this in anyway.
I was so upset because I did everything right and somehow things turned out wrong. I felt as if there was something wrong with me. Lastly, I sent him a letter with no return address right to his house because i felt like I needed closure. In that letter I explained my side of things and my feelings towards everything that had happened between us; I did not want to leave anything unsaid. I wanted to love someone who was broken, I wanted to fix him. Now I understand that it is not my job to fix someone, they have to fix themselves in order to be able to love someone with their entire heart. I still care for him, but now I feel different. I will never forget how he made me feel; the good and the bad.
Through out this experience I learned that there is such thing as giving someone too much too soon. Think of it this way, a plant needs water to blossom but it you give it too much water it will drown and die. That is how relationships work, with time you can give them more and more of you but you can't give them everything all at once. Maybe i had some fault by wanting to fix him, maybe I should have not ignored the signs. But all that is in the past. After everything is said and done, you must be at peace with yourself because you know that you gave your best. If you are going through a similar situation, please know that things do get better. We can survive heartbreaks, it may not seem like it but life does get better. I was a mess and cried for weeks and now i look back and realize that all that pain was like a fertilizer for my soul. I am growing as a person and starting to take better care of myself. I even became a healthier person, I'm eating healthier, working out and losing weight. This was a Win for me not a loss, it is all about perspective. You have the power to use your situation to your advantage so, will you?
-Nathalie G.